Thursday, December 15, 2016

It's time...

Since I can feel my fingers again. I decided it was time.
Time to post again.
Time to hopefully find the right words to post how I'm feeling.

I saw Dr. Shami yesterday. You know, the man who saved my life. It was an incredible visit. Though the wait is sometimes a couple of hours. He is so worth it. 

I talked to them (Shami's team) a little about how I am feeling lately and I received so much insight. Things started to make sense as to why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling lately. 

Rewinding to a week or so ago...
The enormity of what I went through hit me. Like a Mack Truck.
As we were driving down Main Street. My oldest excitedly exclaimed after seeing the decorative Christmas characters on the light posts, "Mom! It's Santa!" I quickly glanced in my rearview mirror in time to see the excitement of Christmas all over his sweet face and it hit me. 
I could have missed this.
I could have missed this sweet moment.
I could have missed all of this.
I could have died this year, but I didn't. 
I'm alive. I am still alive. 
I'm alive to experience the magic of Christmas with my babies. 

I'm alive to enjoy our family traditions with them instead of watching from above like John is. I know he is with us, but we can't see him or talk to him so it is so very different.

With that enormity settling in, it has me reflecting on my own mortality. 
And feeling like I am falling so very short. But it also has me trying harder to be the best Mom I can be for my babies. Sometimes I totally miss the mark, but sometimes I nail it. And I know that it's completely normal to have those good and bad days. In the end, my little ones know I love them with my whole heart. And I'm so grateful for their love for me. 

Reflecting on my own mortality has also had me reflecting on John and how much I miss him. I feel like I'm grieving like he passed away yesterday. 

Fast forward to my Dr's visit. As I was talking to Dr. Shami he and I talked a little bit about that grief. When I was diagnosed with Leukemia 3 weeks to the day after John passed away. The three weeks leading up to that diagnosis were a blessing because even though I was growing increasingly ill, I was kept busy with my babies and it helped distract me from the hurt. 

Then, on May 27th the brick wall hit and brought my world to a halt (again) and my mind and body went into survival mode. And I took that grief and put it in a pretty little compartmentalized box at the side of my mind and left it while I fought for my life. 

And I am in remission. Now I have survived. And now my mind has decided to open up that box to help me work through this enormous loss I feel. And now it really hurts. 

I miss the special bond I had with my brother. Though I didn't see him every day, I always knew everything was even steven. I always knew how much he loved me. 

And it hurts that he isn't here. And even when you'd tell him you loved him, later in life it became a ditto or a grunt, you still knew he loved you back. I miss hearing his voice. His laugh. Even his sneeze and his yawns.

But in the midst of this heartache I have the unshakeable knowledge that though I can no longer see my big brother. He still lives. Though I can't hear him, I know he still laughs. And thanks to the atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ, I will see him again. Sunday will come. 

I am so grateful for the gift of that innocent babe who slept in a manger. That babe who would grow to be the Savior of the world. That babe who made it possible for me to be with John and other loved ones who have passed away. I am so grateful for Him and that this time of year we are able to celebrate His birth.

If you find yourself in the same position I'm in. May you feel His everlasting love testifying to you that He lives. May you feel your loved ones embraces through the veil that separates us. May you find peace in knowing that they live on and you will see them again. That promise is real and is made to all. Believers or not. And God keeps His promises. I know it. I'm alive because of it. 


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