Thursday, July 7, 2016

I Am...

I am brave.
I am brave.
I am brave.

A common phrase I repeat to myself over and over lately. 

But also...
I am sad. 
I am grieving.
I am tired.
I am lonely. 
I am scared. 
And I am mad, really, really mad. 

I know how important it is to stay positive, otherwise things tend to spiral. But I was so grateful in the hospital to receive "permission" (I know it's not the right word because I don't need permission to feel how I feel but it fits best here) to be mad, to get angry. Cancer is a messed up thing. 

My amazing friend Lindsay brought me an awesome printable/quote that I'd post a picture of but I don't want anyone to steal her design, so I'll just share the quote. 

"When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade! 
Make life take the lemons back. 
Get mad! 
I don't want your damn lemons
What am I supposed to do with these?
Demand to see life's manager. 
Make life rue the day it thought it could give Jessica lemons! 
Do you know who I am?
I am the woman who is going to burn your house down, 
with Lemons!"

I was set on being an example and inspiration to others who may go through this hell called Cancer by being positive. But that isn't real, and I am. Some parts of this aren't positive. Some parts really, really stink. But I am learning a lot about myself. 

I am learning that if I repeat my phrase of "I am brave". I become it.
If I tell myself how much it's going to hurt. It really does. 
I've always known that I am stubborn so that is nothing new. 
And I really, really, don't like being woken up every night around 4 a.m. for vitals and blood labs. 

But onto the positives because there are still many.

I am also learning that I have one heck of a support system. From friends and family visiting me in the hospital. To my amazing neighbor and friend who coordinated meals and many other things for me not to worry about anything at home. To those who have brought the meals, helped clean in preparation for me to come home, or simply sent words of comfort and support. I was so grateful to receive cards in the hospital. I wish I would have taken a picture of my set up the last day I was there. My Mom decorated with family pictures and artificial flowers since real ones weren't allowed. Then I hung or placed every card received on my shelves where I could see them. 

This was towards the beginning of my stay.
I had amazing friends from work bring me flowers that the students and my colleagues had colored as well as a huge poster of positive messages from them. 

My parents are the biggest support system of all. I can't get over their strength. That on the heels of their sons death they are able to turn around and deal with another child being diagnosed with cancer. One thing we all know is that I am gonna survive this. I am gonna kick cancer's butt. I will rise strong and get through this. 

I am also grateful to be back with my sweet family. I missed my kiddos dearly after being away from them for almost 40 days. In the hospital at night I would dream about them. I could hear their laughter and at times I could feel their hugs. I am also thankful for my sweet hubby for doing his best and taking care of my babies. 

I had another friend send me a card that she felt she should buy but wasn't sure who it was for. This was before I was even diagnosed. The card she sent was meant for me. It was a reminder to come unto my Savior. I know that without Him I wouldn't be able to get through this. I'm a firm believer that God does give us trails that we can't handle...alone. But if we turn to Him we will get through it. With God anything is possible. 

So that's where I'm at right now. 
I know I was working on the events leading up to my diagnosis and will continue that in my next post. I just needed to get how I'm feeling out there. I'm not sure why, maybe just to vent. Maybe just to be upfront. To express gratitude. I don't know. 

Thank you all for your support as I go through this. It means more than you know. 

1 comment

  1. Hi Jessica, I have been thinking about you often and have made something for you. Can you send me an address that I can mail a box to?

    Simple Simon and Company