Saturday, June 11, 2016

May 06, 2016 -That night...

That night John's sweet baby girl was to be sealed for Time and All Eternity to her future husband. 
John had made it clear that if anything were to happen to him the wedding would go on. He had the same expectations for his Children who were serving missions throughout his sickest times. John loved the Lord and His work and wanted to put Him and his family first. Always. 

Throughout the morning we mainly clung to each other as much as we could. We couldn't bare the thought of leaving John's house before he did for the last time, so we waited. That's when the reality of us having a sealing that night and a reception the following day really hit. The day needed to be special for John, for Jen, and we were determined to make it be, 

An unsung hero in all this and a woman who can always be seen in the background is my Mom. As time passed she passed the cake torch over to me and she has always been right there to provide support and helpful guidance. Not only that, anything for Jenn's wedding that Jennifer presented as a dream or a vision, my Mom would bend over backwards to help make it a reality. She loves so deeply she just wants to help everybody, and she does. Even the day her baby boy (that's what she refers to him, because he is) went home to our Heavenly Father, she spent her day serving others.

We grabbed obligatory caffeine and headed back to Mom and Dad's house where my Dad and I tag teamed my niece's wedding cake. Yep my Dad rolls out the fondant for me and Anna came to the rescue in helping me place it. It only took a couple tries and I believe plenty of tender mercies to finish her cake. It was beautiful like her.

All that I needed to do was finishing touches the morning of the reception. The details were the only thing I knew that could keep me held together, emotionally. I realize now physically those details and blessings to serve were what may have held me together longer.

I started feeling a little weird once we finished the cake. I just wanted to sit a lot. We went to the Provo City Center Temple for Jen's wedding. It was such a bittersweet experience. Bitter for me that John wasn't there, or at least I couldn't see him...and sweet because after being blind for so long, John got to see his baby girl on her wedding day. Yes pause and think on that for a moment. Our John got to see his daughter in all of her beauty and details on her wedding day. 

Afterwards a small group of us gathered to chow on some of the most delicious Pizza known to mankind. Two Jacks. Dip it in ranch and you will be in Heaven. Dear Two Jacks, I'm really sorry you're gonna be going out of business now that John is no longer single handedly funding your business. 

I could feel my grief swallowing me whole and knew I needed to head home because something didn't feel right. I started feeling weaker and shakier. I went home and changed right back into my California comfort outfit. 

 I don't know what about the outfit brought me comfort but for days it was the only thing that did, and I still long for it a like a security blanket. 
 It was all I could do to just curling into a ball on my recliner. It just felt like my body was growing heavier and weaker at the same time. I was asked to go visit John's sweet wife Ali with my Sister and Mom, I knew my body wasn't up to it but it was important for me to let Ali know that we are here for her. 

I barely made it into John's house when I started to get fever chills, cold then hot, cold then hot. I had to rest, at first my head, and then my body against the stair wall in order to not collapse. My youngest nephew took me home early and that's when it felt like I'd never be warm or still again. I couldn't stop the rolling shaking.I climbed into bed and my teeth would not stop chattering. No matter what I did I couldn't get my body to still. After applying blanket, and blanket, and blanket on top of me, as well as heating pads, my husband gave me a priesthood blessing which calmed me enough to stop shivering and jerking around and actually fall asleep. I'm so grateful that I received that blessing through my husband by the power of my Heavenly Father, I received true words of comfort from my Father and know that if I was talking to him face to face he would say the same things. 

I was grateful for the pause of my body aches and heaving. I began to wonder if perhaps I was feeling such deep grief that my body had literally started to collapse. I had heard of people dying of broken hearts when a loved one passed away. I didn't think that was quite what was happening...

But, the following morning, I started to see and feel more..

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