This week we are talking about conflict. Each marriage has
two different types of problems: solvable and perpetual. The majority of them
are perpetual, meaning that they aren’t going to be solved and the couple will
need to figure out a compromise in order for them not to fester and cause
disgust which will eventually rot the relationship. I don’t know about you, but
I usually prefer to avoid conflict. Then other times, I’m feeling froggy...sometimes, I’m just in the mood to fight. It’s not good, I know. At those
times, it’s usually over a perpetual problem that has been festering. Thankfully
Dr. John Gottman shared some ways to successfully navigate conflict and advice
on how to make repairs in order to lower the tension from said conflicts.
The underlying key to successfully address conflict according
to Dr. Gottman is "Communicating basic acceptance of your partner’s
personality. Human nature dictates that it is virtually impossible to accept
advice from someone unless you feel that that person understands you. So the
bottom-line rule is that, before you ask your partner to change the way he or
she drives, eats, or makes love, you must make your partner feel that you are
understanding.” I also think that we need to remember another important lesson
that I learned from Dr. Gottman, “in all arguments, both solvable and
perpetual, no one is ever right. There is no absolute reality in marital
conflict, only two subjective realities.” This was something that really shook
me. I have always had such black and white thinking when it comes to marriage
and conflict.
I wanted to share a youtube video that makes me laugh every
time I watch it because it’s so true and applies to most conflicts between
husbands and wives and backs up the quote I shared above about addressing
conflict by Dr. Gottman. I think it would do all of us well to remember that
it’s not about the nail.
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