It's Not About The Nail

This week we are talking about conflict. Each marriage has two different types of problems: solvable and perpetual. The majority of them are perpetual, meaning that they aren’t going to be solved and the couple will need to figure out a compromise in order for them not to fester and cause disgust which will eventually rot the relationship. I don’t know about you, but I usually prefer to avoid conflict. Then other times, I’m feeling froggy...sometimes, I’m just in the mood to fight. It’s not good, I know. At those times, it’s usually over a perpetual problem that has been festering. Thankfully Dr. John Gottman shared some ways to successfully navigate conflict and advice on how to make repairs in order to lower the tension from said conflicts.

The underlying key to successfully address conflict according to Dr. Gottman is "Communicating basic acceptance of your partner’s personality. Human nature dictates that it is virtually impossible to accept advice from someone unless you feel that that person understands you. So the bottom-line rule is that, before you ask your partner to change the way he or she drives, eats, or makes love, you must make your partner feel that you are understanding.” I also think that we need to remember another important lesson that I learned from Dr. Gottman, “in all arguments, both solvable and perpetual, no one is ever right. There is no absolute reality in marital conflict, only two subjective realities.” This was something that really shook me. I have always had such black and white thinking when it comes to marriage and conflict.

I wanted to share a youtube video that makes me laugh every time I watch it because it’s so true and applies to most conflicts between husbands and wives and backs up the quote I shared above about addressing conflict by Dr. Gottman. I think it would do all of us well to remember that it’s not about the nail.